Valrhona Blues
by nikkilittle
Summary: Now that Hatter is safely married off, Arianne goes on a diet to get rid of her "Hatter Repellent." No more Valrhona for Arianne. Poor thing. Alternate Universe with a modern, American Alice in a real Wonderland.


Valrhona Blues

by Nikki Little

It was oh-so-evil of me, but I just couldn't resist the temptation. Arianne had said that she would get rid of her "Hatter repellant" after Hatter was safely and securely married off, and here it was two months later and nutty Sarah, once-called "Palin," was still around. Amazing as it was, Hatter was apparently an upgrade on the old husband. Well, I admit that Hatter has his virtues. Even I like him. I just don't like him enough to have sex with him. I'm pretty sure he feels the same about me these days, which brings us back to the concept of "Hatter repellant." Simply put, it's meat on a girl's bones. Now any rational person knows that a girl can have some padding on her body and still not be a "fatty." In fact, a certain amount is normal and healthy. I admit that I've probably got a little more than is normal and healthy, but I feel good and I like the way I look. Enough said. Hatter, on the other hand, can't stand the sight of any padding on a girl's body really, but he's willing to tolerate enough to make a girl look healthy -- like Sarah -- and no more. Arianne used to be just within Hatter's tolerance range -- barely -- until Caterpillar gave her the order to "service" Hatter after he went bonkers a second time and once again chased the White Queen of Pale Realm around in circles. What is it with him and chess pieces, anyway? The White Queen ain't no beauty. She looks like a walking statue. Anyway, after being ordered to "service" Hatter, Arianne turned as pale as the White Queen and did exactly what I did. She made herself unattractive to Hatter. It worked, too. In any case, now that Hatter is happily married, Arianne is in the position to rid herself of her "Hatter repellant." It's mostly on her hips, butt, and thighs.

Now I admit that Arianne looks better to me as a size twelve. I used to think that she was top-heavy, but now that she's essentially got my hips and bottom, she looks reasonably balanced. When a girl's only five foot two and has a pair of Cs upstairs -- or are those Ds? -- she can use a little ballast. Don't you think? Well, Arianne hates her ballast. At least she says she does. So I'm going to give her a little "push" to find out what she really thinks. I checked at the Gnome Village today to see if Arianne's new white dress -- just like mine -- was ready and it was. I arranged with all the Gnome men in the Village a prank and they, of course, were all quite eager to carry it out. Or maybe they were just too embarrassed to say "no" when they realized that I was aware of what they do when I walk by the Village. What was it that they do? Well, just give me a moment.

I walked back to our home in Pandemonium and told Arianne that a passing Gnome had told me that her dress was ready. Arianne, of course, dashed right off to get it. It was evening, and Arianne's shift at Hatter's water treatment plant was over. She was free for the evening. I quietly skulked behind just out of sight to see how my little prank played out. When Arianne reached the Gnome Village, every gnome man greeted her as me without looking at her face. Those gnome men can't resist staring at my fanny! Now Arianne and I look very different when viewed from both the front and the side, and our hair color is different, but our bodies, when viewed from the backside, are just about identical. When you consider that Arianne has taken to wearing dresses of the same design as mine, you can understand how the mistake might occur. After being addressed as me for the fourth time, Arianne looked over her shoulder and wailed, "I've got to get rid of this thing!" Meaning her fanny, of course. Arianne came back to the village carrying her dress and announced her new diet. Needless to say, the most important part of her diet was to stop eating like I do. No more Valrhona for Arianne. Poor thing.

Now of course I, myself, indulge in Valrhona chocolate on a daily basis. I eat about an ounce and a half -- three squares -- a day. Seriously, I'd love to eat more of it, but if I scarfed down Valrhona to my heart's content, I'd probably be a size twenty and break all the vines in Wonderland Woods. So I limit myself. Arianne, unlike me, does not appreciate her jiggly fanny, and is determined to starve it off. So evil little me is going to eat her daily alotment of Valrhona right in front of poor, suffering Arianne. I admit that I'm hoping to sabotage her diet and get her to accept herself just as she is. I'm sure you all know by now that Arianne is my "partner" and I like her just fine with her well-cushioned hips and bottom.

The very next day as Arianne and I were eating dinner together, my evil commenced. I ate my daily three squares of Valrhona right in front of poor, suffering Arianne. You should have seen the frown on her face. She had just told me that morning that she was going on a diet. "You monster!" Arianne picked up her tray and stalked off elsewheres to eat her dinner. The next day she tried to eat dinner with Hatter and Sarah, but, like Hatter, she found Sarah's table manners to be utterly revolting. There's a reason Sarah eats most of her dinners with the Cheshire Cat for company. She was back with me a few days later and simply averted her eyes as I treated myself.

It wasn't long before Arianne started going through withdrawl. If there's one thing that makes any woman cranky, it's being deprived of her daily dose of chocolate. Something for you men to remember. I noticed that Arianne had started dropping things, Hatter complained that Arianne was tripping over her feet in the water plant which had him worried, and Mr. White complained that Arianne had completely stripped his carrot patch. Oh, dear! A carrot shortage in Wonderland! Celery disappeared next, and then it was -- gag! -- turnips. Within two weeks, even tomatoes were in short supply. Arianne hates tomatoes. Dieting must have been agony for her. I figured that I might be getting close to my goal, and left some photo albums lying around that had plenty of pictures of Arianne in them.

Sure enough, after two more weeks or torture -- and shortages of just about every raw vegetable in Wonderland -- Arianne finally sat down with me to look at the photographs. She admitted that she had only lost two pounds in one month. I suggested that it would take giving up more than chocolate to get rid of the fanny. "But I haven't touched a drop of brandy the entire month!" Arianne wailed. She thought that I was referring to alcohol, but, in all truth, neither of us drank much alcohol except at the occasional party and, of course, during "that time of the month." My period brandy wasn't informally known as "Painkiller" for nothing. I stated the obvious. "Arianne, you're not a hayburner like me. You're going to have to start eating less of everything. You're going to have to starve yourself to get rid of the backside." Arianne looked at the pictures. Finally! I took an old picture of her and placed it side-by-side with a recent picture. Realization finally clicked in her head. "You're torturing yourself for no good reason. You look fine just as you are. In fact, you look better now than you used to. You were top-heavy before." It was true. With the photographs side-by-side, Arianne found it hard to deny. The dieting was over. Thank God! Arianne and I took a walk in Wonderland Woods, and Arianne's hand found it's way to my backside. The little hypocrite. As I've said before, Arianne loves the cushioning on my own backside while she hates it on her own. I did the same to Arianne, and she knocked my hand away. I put my hand back a second time, and she knocked it away again. Then I knocked her hand away, and she let out a great big sigh and put my hand back on her bottom. Soft and plush, just like mine. Finally I get to have some of the fun.

The End

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This story is based on the characters created by American McGee. EA (Electronic Arts) owns the copyrights.

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